Don't Mug Yourself
by Nautical Paramour
Summary: When the Weasley twins open a new branch in Hogsmeade, Fred can't help but sell products that he knows will get Hogwarts new potions mistress to come berate him. But is yelling at him the only way that Hermione will communicate with the prankster? Post-War. Fred Lives. Fred/Hermione. COMPLETE


A/N: Alright - here is the penultimate one shot in the summer one shot series. I've never written a Weasley x Hermione before, so I'd love to hear what you think! The next one, coming out in two weeks will be a Draco x Hermione, so be on the lookout for that. You can follow me on tumblr (nauticalparamour).

So yeah, please let me know what you thought of this guy! Thanks!

* * *

It had been years since Fred Weasley had received a howler, but it couldn't be denied scarlet letter, practically radiating with fury, was one of the dreaded letters. Really, he thought that the last one he'd received might have been from his Mum when he'd dropped out of Seventh Year to open the joke shop.

The only problem was that he didn't know who it could possibly be from.

Knowing that they only got worse the longer you waited to open them, Fred decided that he could head to the back of his shop for a few minutes, just to hear the contents of the letter. Making sure that there were no lingering customers in the Hogsmeade Branch of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes - just opened in time for the Hogwarts school year - he headed to the back, before breaking the seal on the letter.

"FREDERICK GIDEON WEASLEY!"

He couldn't keep the grin off his face when he recognized the shrill voice as the one belonging to Miss Hermione Granger, Potions Mistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While Fred had spent a year recovering from his injuries sustained in the war, and then another year getting the Hogsmeade shop up and running, Hermione had received her mastery and been offered a position at the school.

"YOUR SHOP HASN'T EVEN BEEN OPEN A MONTH AND ALREADY YOUR PRODUCTS ARE CAUSING ME HEADACHES! DUNG BOMBS IN THE GREAT HALL, CHILDREN WHO THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT A SKIVING SNACKBOX IS, I CAN HANDLE. BUT THEN TODAY, A STUDENT RELEASED A PORTABLE SWAMP IN MY CLASSROOM...WHILE WE WERE BREWING. DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT WAS? DO YOU KNOW THE KIND OF INJURIES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN CAUSED? YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF IT. YES, IT IS BRILLIANT CHARMS WORK, BUT IF I SEE ONE MORE STUDENT USE ONE IN MY PRESENCE, I WILL COME DOWN TO YOUR SHOP AND GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND!"

The letter then exploded in a flash of red glitter, causing Fred to snort in amusement. Of course, Hermione would compliment his work in the same sentence that she chewed him out in. Though, honestly, he wouldn't mind seeing Ronnikins ex-girlfriend down at the shop. His days were so boring now.

Hermione and Ron's relationship had ended before it started. Apparently, the snogging wasn't so great when they weren't fearing for their lives. They never actually dated, but Fred and George still liked to tease Ron about it.

Shaking his head, Fred decided to send Hermione a little something to apologize. Though he was known as the twin the with mean streak, he could understand how dangerous it was to release a portable swamp when brewing. His workshop in the Diagon Alley store could attest to that.

" _Professor Granger,_ "

Fred smirked at his address. Hermione was one of the only people would could be simultaneously proud and embarrassed by being called Professor.

" _I am very sorry for the issue that my Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes Miniature Portable Swamp - Trademark Pending - caused in your class. However, the products do contain a clause that states we are not responsible for any injuries, damages, etc caused by the improper use of a product. I hope that your student was properly reprimanded. Because of the great personal grievance caused to you, in the hopes that you maintain a favorable view of WWW products, I've included an adorable little Pygmy Puff in a way of apology._

 _Sorry for the inconvenience,_

 _Frederick G. Weasley"_

* * *

A week had passed and Fred had completely forgotten about the issue with Hermione's classroom. He was spending the evening at the Three Broomsticks, thinking he rather deserved a firewhiskey after his first Hogsmeade Weekend.

Though Fred was the primary manager of the Hogsmeade Branch, he still floo'ed home to the flat he had friend shared over the flagship store. Fred did have a little bedroom above the shop here in Hogsmeade, but he only ever used it if he got caught up in experimenting.

So he was completely surprised when a woman plopped into the chair next to him, addressing him immediately. "Do you think you're funny, Weasley?" She asked before signaling for Rosmerta to bring her a firewhiskey as well.

"Have I pushed you to drink, Granger?" He asked, unable to keep the grin from his face. Hermione Granger had changed a lot from a bucktoothed, bushy haired girl, into a refined, perfect-smiled woman. Fred was a bit struck by how pretty she looked when she was seething with anger.

Hermione rolled her brown eyes, taking a huge gulp of her drink. Fred was almost impressed when she didn't immediately choke on the burn. Perhaps there was more to her than meets the eye. "I cannot believe that you would send me a _fanged_ Pygmy Puff, Fred. Look at my hand! The usual salve won't work to heal it." She shoved her hand into his, and Fred ran his fingers over the tiny bites, apologizing under his breath when she hissed at the contact.

She pulled her hand away, though Fred wasn't entirely interested in letting go of contact with her soft skin. "I didn't even know that you were experimenting with Fanged Puffskeins." Hermione said, rubbing her hand over her face.

"We're not. Honestly, Hermione, I didn't know. I really was just trying to apologize." Hermione looked into his brown eyes, searching for even a hint of amusement at her predicament. "I am sorry that you got hurt."

She sighed. "It's alright, I believe you. In any case, the fur has given me something to research, since it is acting differently in potions than a full sized Puffskein. It's a bit interesting at least." She said, animately, perhaps genuinely interested in it.

Fred was genuinely interested in her research, knowing that they used Puffskein fur in a variety of potions, so any unusual properties would be useful to him. They spent the next few minutes, talking like old friends, before Hermione was leaving the bar in a whirlwind of hair and delicious scent.

He'd never noticed how nice Hermione smelled. Or how her eyes were so pretty when she was angry at him. Or how her hair seemed to have a life of its own. Or how much he liked her.

Deciding to head home, he paid Rosmerta and made his way back to the shop to floo home. When he got back, he found George waiting up for him on the couch. "Oi, what has you grinning like a loon? I know money doesn't make you _that_ happy."

"Granger was so mad at me, and I liked it." Fred said, unable to remove his grin from his face. He loved to rile Hermione up, and he wanted to do it again. "I think I like her. I think I should make her mad, and then tell her I like her."

"Whoa, slow down. You aren't making any sense. Is there something going on between you and Granger? Hermione Granger? Annoying swot, who breaks the rules way too much to be as self righteous as she is?" George asked, sincerely confused.

"No, but I think that I want there to be." Fred said, rubbing his hands together. "Now, how can I get her to come back into the shop?" He was in plotting mode. "Something to make her really pissed."

"Slow down there, Gred." George said, before realizing the Fred was very serious about it. "I don't think that you want to get on her bad side. Remember she is quite the accomplished dueler. And remember that time she cursed that Edgecomb bint?"

Fred shook his head. "No, it'll be perfect. She's bloody passionate when she's angry. It'll be perfect and then..." Fred's cheeks flushed as he got rather ahead of himself. He couldn't entirely tell what he wanted with Hermione, but he was sure that he was desperate to know what her lips tasted like.

"Merlin, you are serious about this." George said, feeling a bit nervous for his twin. This was the first time since Hogwarts that he'd seen his brother so serious about a girl, and Hermione Granger no less! For some reason, George didn't think that pissing her off was the brilliant plan that Fred did. "Alright, just don't mug yourself." He didn't see this ending well.

* * *

By the time lunch at the Burrow took place, two Sundays later, Fred was certain that his plan had been put into motion, but Hermione had seemed so sweet, that it had him doubting what had happened. Was it possible that his brilliant plan hadn't made Hermione angry at all?

His doubts were unfounded, he learned, when they all finally sat down for lunch, and his Mum asked Hermione how her work was going. "Well, I must say, the students have been difficult ever since Fred opened up his branch in Hogsmeade." She said primly, a saccharine smile on her face. "Why, just this week, a Fifth Year set off a Wildfire Whiz-band, during my Study Hall."

Mrs. Weasley gasped in shock. "Oh no! Was anyone injured?" She asked, reaching across the table to grab Hermione's hand.

"No Mrs. Weasley. I, luckily, knew how to disarm the Fireworks. But it did cause quite the racket." Hermione said, giving Fred a grin.

Molly Weasley reached behind her and smacked Fred on the back of the head. "Fred Weasley! How dare you make life more difficult for Hermione? She is just starting out and it is not helpful to her to be dealing with your...little tricks all the time!"

Fred, thoroughly berated by his mother, was disappointed. His plan had completely backfired. Hermione hadn't even seemed angry, and she certainly didn't come to his shop. He thought that it had been flawless, but apparently not.

If he was going to kiss Hermione, he needed to get her alone. He needed to up the ante.

* * *

When the Sixth Year boy from Ravenclaw came into his shop looking for a love potion, Fred knew that he'd found the ticket to Hermione's anger and love. He had a moment of moral debate before he was sending the skinny boy back to Hogwarts, product in hand.

Of course, it was a little bit morally gray for him to do this. They weren't meant to sell these love potions to anyone who wasn't of age, and this boy, certainly wasn't. Also, judging by his pink cheeks, the boy was sure to actually use it.

One by one, Fred dismissed all of his concerns. First, their love potions weren't real love potions. Sure they made you a little bit randy, but they didn't create love where there wasn't any. At most, the imbiber might feel in increase in temperature, pulse, and they might want to spend an hour or so alone, touching themselves.

The symptoms were easy to spot and the antidote was simple to brew.

But that was just it...Fred knew that an antidote would need to be brewed, and who else would do that but Hogwarts' Potions Mistress? It wasn't something kept on hand, and Hermione would just know he had something to do with it.

Then she would march her perfect arse down here to Hogsmeade, to the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes shop, and attempt to put him in his place, with her fierce, Gryffindor sensibilities.

Shoving aside his oddly George-like "good angel" from his shoulder, Fred sold the potion without a second thought. This was a good plan.

How could it go wrong?

* * *

Hermione stormed into the shop, not even a few hours later, messy curls crackling with unspent energy, and Fred thought that he might have just hardened at the sight of her. She was well and truly gorgeous, he thought, momentarily proud of himself for thinking up such a brilliant plan.

That was before she sent the first, second and third hexes his way, which he was only narrowly able to block, a stinging hex still catching him on his wand arm. "Hermione, what the hell?" He asked, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"Did you sell a love potion to David Hughes?" Hermione demanded, her voice reaching a new level of shrillness. Fred wondered if he could get her to make the same noise during sex.

"Uh, is David Hughes a weedy looking Ravenclaw?" Fred asked, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, trying his absolute best to look innocent. Seeing Hermione's nostrils flare, he gulped. "Then yes, I did."

"Were you aware that he was going to give me the love potion?" She demanded, the rage practically radiating out of her body.

"What? No! Of course not!" Fred told her, actually astonished that a _Ravenclaw_ would try to slip a Potions Mistress a _potion_. And an especially garish tasting potion at that.

"You didn't think it would be a laugh to have me head over heels for a student?" Hermione asked, deadly calm, and with her hands on her hips.

Fred gulped. "Of course I don't find that funny. I just...I knew you'd have to brew the antidote, and I only wanted to annoy you, so you'd come down to the shop and I could see you." He admitted, his cheeks turning quite red at the admission.

"What?" Hermione responded, looking adorably confused. "What would you want to see me for? You've never liked me." She looked utterly vulnerable, biting her lower lip.

Fred stepped out from behind the counter, closing the distance between them. "Have you cleared the potion from your system already?" He asked, noting that she had neither the telltale pink cheeks or sweaty upper lip, though her pupils were blown.

"Of course I did. It was the first thing I did." Hermione looked up at the twin, surprised by just how much taller he was than she ever really realized, now that he was standing so close to her. "Why?"

"So I can do this." He said with a grin, wrapping his arms around her, and pressing his lips to hers in a frenetic kiss. She gasped, and Fred wasted no time in meeting her tongue with his own, caressing and twirling around her, eating up the surprised moan that left her throat, before she pulled away gasping for air.

"I'm confused. This is why you wanted me to come down to the shop?" She asked, wanting to put some space between them, through Fred refused to let her go.

Fred picked her up, setting her down on the counter, and stood between her legs. "Do you have any bloody idea how sexy you look when you're angry at me? I've been trying to make you angry at me for weeks, just so I could kiss you." He admitted, a goofy grin on his face, now that he had her right where he wanted her.

"Fred Weasley that is the dumbest thing I've heard." Hermione's cheeks colored. "You could have just said something." She told him quietly. "I've been trying to be more understanding of your pranks recently...so you wouldn't think of me as such an uptight swot. And you might see me as something more?"

It was Fred's turn to be utterly shocked. She'd wanted him just as much as he'd wanted her? He couldn't believe it. "What do you want with a mean jokester anyway? I've got no NEWTs." He teased.

"Well, I've found that you're still quite brilliant anyway." She told him primly, only to have any additional qualities cut off by his lips. Merlin, Fred was a really good kisser. And he knew just how to touch her. And he knew just how to press his body against her to have her gasping out in delight in the shop-

The shop! Hermione was suddenly aware of where she was, and she pushed on his shoulders. "As much as I would love to continue this new exploration with you, I don't think this is exactly the appropriate venue." She said, a pretty blush on her cheeks. "Don't you have a bed or a cot here?" She knew it was bold, but it was what she wanted.

Fred gave her that lopsided grin, and picked her up, leading her up the stairs. Hermione waved her wand in the direction of the door, setting the sign to closed and locking the door. "Now, if you don't take me upstairs right now, I will show you just how mad a I can really be." Hermione teased.

Fred laughed at her joke. "Mmm, tempting. Still, I think I will stick to making you happy." He told her, intending on enjoying the rest of the afternoon with his fiery witch.

* * *

When Ron Weasley found Fred and Hermione in the broom cupboard at the Burrow, he'd let out a shocked noise, and stepped back, unable to comprehend what was happening. Hermione's shirt was pulled down low, and Fred's hand had been up her skirt, and she looked delightfully red. "Hermione! What the hell are you doing?"

"Uh...Fred and I...we were just, having some alone time." Hermione winced at how awkward that sounded.

"But he's my brother!" Ron said, drawing the attention of the rest of the Weasleys in the kitchen.

"Yes, your very handsome, smart, brilliant, older brother, who is five seconds away from hexing you if you don't shut that door and leave me and my witch alone." Fred said, sounded quite bossy. It made Hermione giggle, despite the situation.

"Your witch?" Ron asked dumbly, still apparently confused at what was going on.

Fred sighed. "Yes, my witch. Now can we have this conversation later? We were kind of in the middle of something." Ron, still in awe of the situation, just pulled the door shut, leaving the two lovers to their own devices.

Walking into the kitchen, his mother asked him what the commotion was. "It was Fred and Hermione, in the broom cupboard." Ron said, unable to process what he'd seen. His Hermione was with Fred. True, they never actually dated, but...it was his brother for Merlin's sake!

"Huh." Molly Weasley said. "You know, that doesn't really surprise me at all. They suit one another."

"They suit one another?" Ron asked, thinking that this must be some kind of dream.

"Well, much better suited than the pair of you." George said. "I think they might be kind of perfect for one another."

And in the broom closet, completely unaware of the speculation of the rest of his family, Fred was thinking the same thing.


End file.
